getting better
hello all,
yesterday was pretty uneventful. met with an author (older gentleman, did not stop TALKING...). he had a bit of a hearing problem, so several times I found myself leaning in so he could hear me. realized after lean #4 that i was.. umm.. not wearing an apporpirate shirt for such a stance and was quite embarressed.
then helpd set up our booth, napped, and then smoozed with professors later that night. went out to dinner with boss and marketing manager, which was not as bad as i thought it would be. i am not a fan of small work social outings, too much pressure. but we were all so tired that everyone was just really comfortable, which was nice.
i am also doing MUCH better after the horror that was last week. what started as putting a little coverup on to hide my eye luggage ended up in my sobbing to my mother about how the sight of my own body makes me want to throw up and i never wanted to eat again.
it was the lowest i had ever been.
i was becoming more and more uhappy with myself. what i looked like, my face, my body, everything. thursday was the begining of the end when i couldn't eat and friday was the end, when i fell during step class and badly twisted my ankle. i felt like a failure at everything, health, life, work, step class, even things i was actually good at. i held back tears on the walk home from the gym and lost control as soon as I got home. luckily my mom decided to spend the night on her way back home, and she held me while i cried hysterically about the my drawn face and huge arms and fat rolls and monsterous thighs. i could see her heart was breaking but i just couldn't stop. i cried to josh, heard his heart break over the phone, but i still couldn't stop. even though i knew in my head that this was insanity, everytime i looked down at my body, new waves of sobs crashed. i felt like lady mcbeth, no matter what i did, my body would still be the way it is. I could tear at it all i wanted, nothing would ever change.
after hours of this on friday, i calmed down, ate, and showered. the next afternoon I was patient to someone for whom I usually play therapist, and even though the feelings were still there, the smart part of me was beginning to take over. i force fed myself leftovers before I got on the plane and decided that i just need to snap put of it.
finally, four days later, i am returning back to normal. maybe i am not meant to be thin again. i just have to come to terms with the fact that this is me. this is my face and this is my body and starving myself or hating myself is not going to change that.
i didn't want to write anything about this until i felt better, but when i woke up this morning and smiled at my reflection for the first time in a long time, i realized that whatever happened to me last week was ending. i still feel the tears well up when i think about it too hard. but then, dwelling on my faults will do nothing. i do feel stupid knowing that i could let feelings like that could take over my better judgement, and i am afraid that it will happen again. and again. no matter how hard i try to cover it up with make up and bouts of confidence, my self esteem has plumetted. it scares me to think that it is based on what i see in the mirror and not what i do in my life.
josh has been so wonderful through all this. i am amazing at how someone like him could love someone as crazy as me. 4 more days until i can see him again. i wish he were hear right now.
10/16: some pasta and salad, turkey burger and half pint of beer / 2 mile run, weights, abs
yesterday was pretty uneventful. met with an author (older gentleman, did not stop TALKING...). he had a bit of a hearing problem, so several times I found myself leaning in so he could hear me. realized after lean #4 that i was.. umm.. not wearing an apporpirate shirt for such a stance and was quite embarressed.
then helpd set up our booth, napped, and then smoozed with professors later that night. went out to dinner with boss and marketing manager, which was not as bad as i thought it would be. i am not a fan of small work social outings, too much pressure. but we were all so tired that everyone was just really comfortable, which was nice.
i am also doing MUCH better after the horror that was last week. what started as putting a little coverup on to hide my eye luggage ended up in my sobbing to my mother about how the sight of my own body makes me want to throw up and i never wanted to eat again.
it was the lowest i had ever been.
i was becoming more and more uhappy with myself. what i looked like, my face, my body, everything. thursday was the begining of the end when i couldn't eat and friday was the end, when i fell during step class and badly twisted my ankle. i felt like a failure at everything, health, life, work, step class, even things i was actually good at. i held back tears on the walk home from the gym and lost control as soon as I got home. luckily my mom decided to spend the night on her way back home, and she held me while i cried hysterically about the my drawn face and huge arms and fat rolls and monsterous thighs. i could see her heart was breaking but i just couldn't stop. i cried to josh, heard his heart break over the phone, but i still couldn't stop. even though i knew in my head that this was insanity, everytime i looked down at my body, new waves of sobs crashed. i felt like lady mcbeth, no matter what i did, my body would still be the way it is. I could tear at it all i wanted, nothing would ever change.
after hours of this on friday, i calmed down, ate, and showered. the next afternoon I was patient to someone for whom I usually play therapist, and even though the feelings were still there, the smart part of me was beginning to take over. i force fed myself leftovers before I got on the plane and decided that i just need to snap put of it.
finally, four days later, i am returning back to normal. maybe i am not meant to be thin again. i just have to come to terms with the fact that this is me. this is my face and this is my body and starving myself or hating myself is not going to change that.
i didn't want to write anything about this until i felt better, but when i woke up this morning and smiled at my reflection for the first time in a long time, i realized that whatever happened to me last week was ending. i still feel the tears well up when i think about it too hard. but then, dwelling on my faults will do nothing. i do feel stupid knowing that i could let feelings like that could take over my better judgement, and i am afraid that it will happen again. and again. no matter how hard i try to cover it up with make up and bouts of confidence, my self esteem has plumetted. it scares me to think that it is based on what i see in the mirror and not what i do in my life.
josh has been so wonderful through all this. i am amazing at how someone like him could love someone as crazy as me. 4 more days until i can see him again. i wish he were hear right now.
10/16: some pasta and salad, turkey burger and half pint of beer / 2 mile run, weights, abs
posted by Deepa at 10:18 AM
9 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Oh Bridge. I wish you could see what we all see, that you ARE beautiful. It tears at my heart to see you beat yourself up so much. You are fabulous, accomplished, gorgeous. Fixating on body image and weight can have a lot to do with control and power. Is there something else you're feeling powerless about that you are taking out on your poor body by trying to control it? And by the way, I am often confused about why stable Jay loves loopy me, so you are not alone in that! Looking forward to seeing you in less than 2 weeks, you need a hug.
Love you, Shazzer
Der, you two, your fiances love you because you are FABULOUS.
so glad you're doing better. keep smiling. being thin does not = beautiful, nor does it = happiness.
however, being DEEPA = both of those things.
love you!
thanks guys. part of the reason i AM feeling better is that i know how hard it is to be a friend when someone is going through this, and thinking about it from the outside is helping.
i love you guys, cannot wait to see you both:)
also, what is up with advertising people using my comments box! make it stop! suggestions?
GET HALOSCAN instead of this stupid blogger comment thing. there's a link to it on my site in the sidebar, you can set up an account for free!
wheeee, free!
also, don't suck it up just for us - as your friends, we are DUTY BOUND to LOVE being there for you if and when you are down. and we do, love it love it love it, anything for you, my dear. LOVE YOU!
that and people like becca totally owe you for always being there for them! so don't feel bad!
and i agree with all of the aforementioned comments, excepting the one about how great Fog is doing at the box office. that i wouldn't know anything about. but yes, you are honestly gorgeous and fabulous... and a Jumbo, to boot!
p.s. get Haloscan.
I RESENT THAT.
(and i also love you for it.)
oh deeps, like i said last night- i can tell you a thousand times how beautiful and wonderful you are, but you have to know it yourself for it to really take hold. and it will, but first you have to love every part of yourself. hell, i'm beginning to think of my cellulite city thighs as just another lovely part of what is ME. it's not easy, but you will get there.
and dude, you have a HOT MAN who wants to go to bed with you every night for the REST of your LIFE! freaking A, i would eat every single thing in SIGHT if i already had that lined up.
love you deeps, keep thinking positive thoughts!
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