change of address

had a few margaret moments this weekend. i held a lot in in spite of some pain and by sunday night, senior year feelings of self doubt were in full effect. but i talked it out with a few people and that helped. a lot.

i am slowly getting better at letting things go. i am sure senior year would have turned out differently if i had just done that. i probably would have moved out. i probably wouldn't have internalized the insults and nagging and constant harping and ridiculing, but seen it for what it was - insecurity projected onto a weaker person.

having people other than my boyfriend in my corner is helping now, three years later. he bore the brunt of the tears and the anger back then and it took its toll on him and us. he was the only one who told me i was a good person, smart, capable. i was constantly being told how horrible i am, how stupid, how flighty, how emotional, how scatterbrained, how big a pain i must have been as a child, how it was amazing my mother even loved me, how funny my body looked, how pathetic my saddness was. i was so angry at myself for not speaking up, for letting them do that. and no matter how good my grades where, how many friends i had, how many committees i chaired or praise that i earned, i believed them. and in my anger at them and myself, I fulfilled all of thier ideas about me. now, if i am overreacting, i do sense it more than before and can go to those who will tell me so. if i am justified in my pain, they will reassure me.

i am getting better at having confidence in myself. if i never stop second guessing myself, i will forever be stuck at that house, crying in that second floor bedroom, afraid to make food in the kitchen, washing and rewashing dishes to avoid the inevitable eye roll and comment. it was always me against them. everything was relative. now, i am beginning to exist in my own eyes, not as a reflection in anyone else's.