aaaaaaall, by MYself!

It looks like we made it through month one! The first few weeks were rough. Before Rohan arrived, our life was one of those white sand beaches, where everything is so clear you could see the grains of sand through the water. A month ago, however, this huge 9 -pound rock hit our beach. Sand and silt and water went everywhere, and things were pretty gritty for a while. But now, the sand and water has settled, the water is clear, you can see all the way to the bottom again, and now have a great view of our perfect 9-pound (well, now 12-pound) rock. Life is slowly going back to "normal".

Before Rohan was born, I was really worried about being his primary care-giver. I was shocked that people thought it was ok for me to spend 8-9 hours a day ALONE with an infant. I had never even held an baby before, let alone be the only person to make sure he lives through the day. And don't even get me started about driving him around (gasp!) ALONE. I was petrified; obsessing over all the things that could go wrong when I was with him. Crazy things like dropping him off the porch to the more realistic tripping and falling while holding him*. Since being paralyzed with fear was not really an option, I took each week one day at a time, and here we are, one month later.

The past two weeks have been great. We get up, I feed him, I eat, we nap, he eats, I do chores around the house, we eat, he naps until Josh gets home, I feed him, Josh and I eat dinner and then we all hang out until his evening feedings. Lately, he has been awake more and more during the day, which has been wonderful. We dance around the house, talk about his future, gossip, play with toys, sing songs. I can see him learning more and more each day. It really is amazing.

What we didn't do, however, is leave the house. Even if I wanted to go out with him, it was just too hot and humid. My mom, Josh, Rohan, and I took a walk to Davis a few weeks ago, and Rohan was just covered in sweat when we got back. I didn't want to expose him to such extreme temperatures if there was no reason.

But then last week, I had to go to the pharmacy, and Isis Maternity is just down the street, and since I needed a few things there as well, I thought this would be a good first solo outing. I was so focused on making sure his diaper bag had everything I may need, getting him in the car in one piece, and not forgetting anything I, myself, may need, that I didn't even remember to be scared. We just loaded up, I pulled out onto the street, and away we went.

Then a few days later, we went to the doctor's office alone! And then to my mother's house alone! And today, I took the stroller out of the first time by myself, and we went to Davis to check out a day care open house, alone! I was actually pretty pleased with myself this morning. We both woke up at 8am, I fed him, did a post-feeding cuddle and calm down, showered, got him ready, and we were out the door by 9:20. For you non-mom's out there, this is huge. If you ARE a mom and this seems like the norm, please don't burst my bubble :)

Now that the weather is a little more temperate, I want to take him for an hour walk at least 3 or 4 times a week. I need the exercise (badly) and it is great to get him out of the house. In two weeks, Mommy-and-Me classes start, so I will be going there every Monday morning. I am really looking forward to meeting more new moms. Besides the occasional visitor, I really only see/talk to Josh, my mom, or Josh's mom. I miss grown-ups.

* So tonight, HALF my biggest fear come true. While walking through the kitchen, I took a nasty spill and hit my head. It was scary, there was blood. I am fine, no blackouts, no stars, no nausea, no memory loss, no dizziness. While Josh was flipping out about the possibility that I could have a concussion and not wake up tomorrow, I was flipping out over the fact that I could have been holding Rohan when it happened. I can't stand the thought that I am capable of hurting him in any way shape or form, even accidently. This upsets me more than any bump on the head.