you're a mean one....

so.. i think i am systematically ruining josh's christmas. 

way number 1: i am very vocal about the fact that people seem to equate happiness with presents. everything you see everywhere is about how people are and buying and buying and buying and buying. it makes me crazy. granted these ARE commercials for stores, but still. 

way number 2: i complain that all christmas traditions are about greed, but when josh wants me to come get a tree with him, i decide to stay home and clean (what? it was cold!)

way number 3: so we are decorating the tree and an image comes to mind - in the kite runner when the taliban kills that boy's parents and then dresses him up like a girl and makes him dance and then they abuse him. we plucked that poor tree from the ground, killing it, and now are dressing it up in tinsel and lights for our own pleasure and then when we are bored with it and the pine needles start falling off bc the tree is dying, we will leave it out with the trash. our poor little whore of a tree:( i feel so bad. 

way number 4: i bitch about how we are leaving nothing to chance and giving people lists of exactly what we want. the best present i ever got was this green scarf from melody. she obviously thought about the color and the quality (its cashmere!) and i wore it for years. i love stuff like that - i feel like thinking about people and their likes and passions and hobbies and getting something that makes their eyes light up. getting an exact list to divvy up bothers me for some reason. then again, when josh's mom wants to talk about my present, i need to know EXACTLY what she said and what he said back. i hate surprises (umm... but i actually don't) 

way number 5: i put the kibash on some christmas music the other day. i was getting a headache thinking  about the board meeting the execs had discussing which song and artist combo would makes the most money and if they could get the rights to a classic so they can remix with lil jon and usher and bribe someone into getting it on the top 40 list. ugh. i don't mind WINTER songs (baby it's cold outside, etc), but the thought of logically milking christmas for money makes me hate listening to them. 

my mom just got back from a small town in budapest. she said the whole town square was lit up and the families brought all the children to see the lights. she said that it didn't seem like these kids had a lot at home and to see the joy and wonder in their faces when they saw all the decorations made her realize that that sentiment was missing here. 

i see the santas with their bells and give as much cash as i have on me (usually less than $20, but the thought is there). and i smile at little kids and help the moms and give up my seats on busses and give to toys for tots and donate my clothes and m coats and whatever people ask of me. i am not a bad person - i am just a person who hates many aspects of the american christmas. i am trying to be better though - josh lives for christmas. my attitude problem is not going over well....