yesterday was pretty uneventful. met with an author (older gentleman, did not stop TALKING...). he had a bit of a hearing problem, so several times I found myself leaning in so he could hear me. realized after lean #4 that i was.. umm.. not wearing an apporpirate shirt for such a stance and was quite embarressed.
then helpd set up our booth, napped, and then smoozed with professors later that night. went out to dinner with boss and marketing manager, which was not as bad as i thought it would be. i am not a fan of small work social outings, too much pressure. but we were all so tired that everyone was just really comfortable, which was nice.
i am also doing MUCH better after the horror that was last week. what started as putting a little coverup on to hide my eye luggage ended up in my sobbing to my mother about how the sight of my own body makes me want to throw up and i never wanted to eat again.
it was the lowest i had ever been.
i was becoming more and more uhappy with myself. what i looked like, my face, my body, everything. thursday was the begining of the end when i couldn't eat and friday was the end, when i fell during step class and badly twisted my ankle. i felt like a failure at everything, health, life, work, step class, even things i was actually good at. i held back tears on the walk home from the gym and lost control as soon as I got home. luckily my mom decided to spend the night on her way back home, and she held me while i cried hysterically about the my drawn face and huge arms and fat rolls and monsterous thighs. i could see her heart was breaking but i just couldn't stop. i cried to josh, heard his heart break over the phone, but i still couldn't stop. even though i knew in my head that this was insanity, everytime i looked down at my body, new waves of sobs crashed. i felt like lady mcbeth, no matter what i did, my body would still be the way it is. I could tear at it all i wanted, nothing would ever change.
after hours of this on friday, i calmed down, ate, and showered. the next afternoon I was patient to someone for whom I usually play therapist, and even though the feelings were still there, the smart part of me was beginning to take over. i force fed myself leftovers before I got on the plane and decided that i just need to snap put of it.
finally, four days later, i am returning back to normal. maybe i am not meant to be thin again. i just have to come to terms with the fact that this is me. this is my face and this is my body and starving myself or hating myself is not going to change that.
i didn't want to write anything about this until i felt better, but when i woke up this morning and smiled at my reflection for the first time in a long time, i realized that whatever happened to me last week was ending. i still feel the tears well up when i think about it too hard. but then, dwelling on my faults will do nothing. i do feel stupid knowing that i could let feelings like that could take over my better judgement, and i am afraid that it will happen again. and again. no matter how hard i try to cover it up with make up and bouts of confidence, my self esteem has plumetted. it scares me to think that it is based on what i see in the mirror and not what i do in my life.
josh has been so wonderful through all this. i am amazing at how someone like him could love someone as crazy as me. 4 more days until i can see him again. i wish he were hear right now.
10/16: some pasta and salad, turkey burger and half pint of beer / 2 mile run, weights, abs