Monday, October 31, 2005

take me back to interview city

woke up early (AGAIN! - what kind of crummy vaca is this!) and off to back bay for interview number one of the day. it went swimmingly. the were "very impressed" and as soon as i know more about where i will be after the new year, i will let them know. the salary range is a little lower than i had wanted, but the actual job is right up my alley and would be great for my career/resume. and the location is perfect - the corner of berkley and boyelston. i liked the peeople a lot too - i could really see myself working there.

then in a cab and off to the menu tasting, which was fantastic. we picked the appetizers the salad the soup and then there was MUCH discussion about the entree - my chicken choice won, mwhahahahah! and then we decided on the tiramisu cake:) and we tasted a LOT of wine. at one time our table had like 30 glasses on it. the wine guy was also tres cute with a tres cute french accent.

then all filled with wine, i went to my second interview in east bridgewater, which was SO different than the first place. a converted house in the middle of nowhere where everyone was wearing jeans. the money was MUCH higher here, but the job is a little different and not exactly exactly what i want to do, and i would need a car and could not live in the city. but smaller companies have their advantages as well - it will something i will have to consider if/when we move back. where josh works is obviously a huge factor.

then back home to some tea and moving all the presents out of the garage and to a friend's for diwali dinner. HAPPY DIWALI!

10/31: coffee and a crossaint, a bit of EVERYthing at the tasting, tea and indian food (yet to be eaten) / no gym (blah)

Sunday, October 30, 2005

sunday bloody sunday

today was just one of those days...

got up and out of the house early to meet with both priests, josh and his mom and me and my parents, which was interesting. the guy who is doing the christian ceremony is quite a character.. made several comments about brides that i did NOT appriciate... but i didnt HATE him and he didnt stare at my boobs the whole time, so no need to make a fuss. let's just say the ceremony will be..umm.. interesting.

after that the five of us (me, mom, dad, josh, josh's mom) went to a coffee shop to discuss wedding details some more, and there was much joshing around (har har har) and i think his mom is wondering what she got herself into. if anyone has spent ANY time with my father, you will know what i am taking about.

then a quick pit stop at home and off to look at condos my parents are thinking about, which lasted forEVER, and then we went to thier friend's house. now they just redid their house, so after we heard ALL the details, and everyone showed up and we had to hear the house story again, AND my father's bi-sox-ual joke (due to my schilling shirt) like four times, and THEN everyone else showed up, THEN my parents hand gave them the wedding invites (due to indian tradition) i was almost in tears with boredom/ fake smiling at grown ups/ listening to the pros and cons of condo life like a million times. as soon as my mom and i left, i lost it. luckily it was short lived and a trip to barnes and noble for thank you cards quickly sobered me up.

it was just one of those days - woke up with a cold and now ending the day with a splitting headache. i am what marastians call "nazuhk" - delicate, but not in a good way. this also happened after the engagement party - maybe being "on" for too long gets to me the next day. i will have to remember some tylenol for the wedding. a lot of tylenol.

10/30: two hard boiled eggs, a bowl of indian sprout dish that i LOVE, half cup of coffee, most of a muffin, spagetti and sauce / no gym

Saturday, October 29, 2005

weekend update

with being out of the office friday and having a hectic saturday, it has been a while since i have blogged.

lets, see.. umm, thursday was pretty boring. work was work and then left early to go to becca's awards thing with aysha, which was fun. heard some speeches, ate some free food and drank some wine and got a wee bit tipsy.... and maybe had some verbal diherrea... but it was fun - i hadn't had a drink in ages, so the wine hit me pretty hard. solution #1, stop drinking - solution #2, drink more to build tolerance. hmm?

friday was a day of traveling. took the 11am train. work called with an emergency, so i was on the phone with the office, being an important person on the phone in the train, like all those important people who talk on the phone in the train. hehe.

saturday was gym, and then off to the wedding shower! i am so so glad that allie, sara and sarika came; it would have been torture wihthout them. and they three of them were great with helping with whole the present ordeal (although allie DID get stuck with all the grunt work, which was noted by many of the guests:)) it went well over all, lots of small talk and meeting new people whose names i have already forgetten and eating finger foods. josh's mom did a fantastic job with the whole thing, very tasteful. she put baby pictures of the both of us up and everyone was telling us how cute we were (which is always nice). after cleaning up, we piled all the presents into two cars and headed home in the SNOW. i am sad i missed the halloween party, but i am so beat that is it almost better - i would not have had been much fun. now my mom and i are watching monsters inc and cooling down.

had a flip out about my weight this morning with the new outfit i bought for the shower, but then felt MUCH better when i tried on the wedding outfit and it fit a LOT better than it did 6 weeks ago. now sarika AND allie have seen it! oh well.

10/27: PB and J, soup, 4 pieces of shimp, 4 pieces of sushi, 2 potato caviar things, like 10 pieces of cheese and some crackers and a spoonful of brie, 2 glasses white wine / 2 mile run

10/28: OJ and muffin, four paratas,6 rice cakes and indian soup / no excercise

10/29: two boiled eggs, 4 pieces of cheese, two crackers, some eggplant parm pasta salad and regular salad, one lemon puff thing and three spoonsfuls of trifle (BAD), wheat pasta with peppers and mushrooms / 30 minutes of cardio, abs

Thursday, October 27, 2005

thanks guys!

ok, this is my THIRD attempt to post this blog. if this doesn't work, i give up for today.

i had a nice one all written out, but i do not feel like recreating it, so here is the abridged version.

great low key birthday with many presents, calls, emails and texts (thanks everyone!). the girls at work took my out to lunch and then to starbucks for a birthday drink. gym, home to cook and then on the phone with people and the boy til late.

weird feeling all day. it was like i was ashamed of the attention and didn't really want it. i don't know if it is because i have been in a funk lately, or if it is because i am getting older. i don't know. i also finished off all the pasta i made and am feeling very guilty about that. next time i will just put half of it away to lunch so it does not tempt me.

10/26: most of a turkey sandwich, coke, few bites of a piece of cheesecake, pasta with vegetables / one hour of cardio

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

no, i got them all cut! har har har!

boring boring day yesterday - work dragged on (after i got in at 9:45 - AGAIN). ate leftovers from the night before, so I didn't even leave for lunch. after work, got my hair cut (just a trim, to put the layers and body back) and then home to make food and pass out. suprisingly tired after a day of no strenuous activity.

10/25: leftover chicken with stuffing, brownie, hot chocolate, more chicken with stuffing, mashed patatoes / no gym (this streak will end today)

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

sleepy do?

Another rainy day, another day late to work. I have to stop abusing the fact that Ryan in on his honeymoon. 9:45 is not acceptable...

Last night I discovered one more fabulous thing about my already fabulous self - mashed potatoes! I bought some potatoes ages ago at a farmer's market, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, but three or four weeks later and they were still sitting in the fridge. So I looked up some recipes and voila! fantastic mashes potatoes last night! If you are nice to me, I will make them for you. I also tried this chicken breast stuffed with a shallot/mushroom stuffing which also came out very well. yay me.

10/23: Thai vegetables in red curry with white rice, mashed potatoes, chicken with shallot and mushroom stuffing, two apples, hot chocolate / no gym due to cold (which is now gone! Hurrah!)

ok - just checked the registry - WE GOT THE WAFFLE MAKER! WOO HOO!! ok i am done. won't happen again, promise:)

Monday, October 24, 2005

ann arbor fun and plane unfun

ahh, my weekend was fantasic and relaxing and much much too short. josh and i had a blast just hanging out, and it felt so good to be around him again. he makes me laugh so so much, such a sweetheart.

the night of pumpkin carving went really well. we carved and roasted seeds. his friends there are so different from our group at tufts; no swearing, no joking about each other's sex life, no nothing. i was wearing my "you say potato.. " shirt, which got a few stares but no comments. it was still a lot of fun. josh's new roommate is SO incredibly awkward (like nathan luckey but without the sketch factor) so i think he overruled me in the new to the group weirdness. everyone's came out really nicely - i made a bat, josh made a skull face, anne made the notre dame logo, her husband jason made a carving of trick - or - treaters, jeff and his wife made something, i forget, and jeff's sister and fiance made the coolest headless horseman EVER. it was so cool.

sunday, we got up and went to the airport, since i had an early flight. and OH, the RUDEST lady sat next to me. first off, she was like 300 pounds, so she barely fit in the seat and her stomach rolls were taking up all the arm space and her arms were pouring into my shoulder area. and i would have dealt with this all fine and good if she had been nice, but no, she was not. she kept making rude comments to me and the air hostess and the guy on the other side of her (she was in the middle) told me that if it were him, he would have slapped her. the people behind me also congradualted me for keeping my cool. and she knew it too! she was getting into a cab in line ahead of me and i just shook me head slowly, and she was ashamed, bc you do not treat people like that. i think she was bitter because i could cross my legs and she couldn't.

after i got back from the airport, i scrounched for some food and caught up with a lot of people: Bess, Lucy, Steve, and then DH and GA and went to bed. only to be woken up an hour later by a VERY loud siren outside my door and did went off for THIRTY MINUTES. now that doesn't seem like a long time, but it is. ohh, it is.

10/22: lasagna, bread pudding, some rice and General's chicken, small slice of pumpkin pie and roasted pumkin seeds / 2 mile run

10/23: wendy's chicken sandwich (not my first choice, but if i don't eat b4 i get on a plane i faint, and i will be damned before i spend $15 for a three day old airport salad), pasta with sauce, triscits and cheese spread, hot chocolate / no gym

Saturday, October 22, 2005

wedding bands (not the musical kind)

arrived last night to home made soup and a quiet night with the boy. pea soup - he guessed my favorite. he also added a few indian spices, so so good.

this morning we got up, gymed it for a bit and then went to look at wedding bands. i had my mind set on a simple one, but the lady (josh's friend's mom, got him a great deal on the ring) tried to upsell me to one with diamonds. which did catch my eye, but thinking about it now, i think i am going to go with the simple one. too many diamonds is just not me. plus, even though she knocked off about %30, the diamonds with platimum was just too much. i can always drop more diamond hints in 10 years...:)

now we are waiting for josh's friends to come over and we are carving pumpkins! ok gotta run. need to put on some socks.

10/21 - pizza, two cokes, split pea soup, glass of wine / no gym

Friday, October 21, 2005

Book report

I have recently finished two books that have weighed on my mind. The first one was given to me by Miss Allie. Cause Celeb by Helen Feilding, where the main character jumped from the celebrity world of London to a refugee camp in Africa. The juxtaposition of her two lives and the dichotomy of the attitudes of the people in these stories struck me. How shallow is the west? How can we get so wrapped up in our own privlidged lives and shut out millions who have so little? Even someone who has seen such poverty first hand forgets about it when she gets back to the states. It really made me think about my own attitude lately and how much I take for granted. I have a fantastic fiance who is still with me for whatever reason, a fabulous family who loves me more than I can ever measure, a formidable fleet of friends who are not related to me, but still stick around, a job, a house, food. Most Americans and Europeans don't have it as good as me, let alone those in the third world. We are going to India as Americans in January, and even though I will never truly see the country as a native would, this time I will try my best to remove the designer sun glasses from my cosmetically enhanced eyes.

The second one takes place in Thailand: Bangkok 8. It was written by an American but you would never know it. Like Memoirs of a Geisha, the author seems to truly understand the Thai and Buddhist world - at least to an American audience. It was a culture to which I never gave much thought, but after reading the book, seeing the red light district, the businesses, the countryside, the jungles through both American and Thai eyes is something I really would like to do. I don't think my sheltered Sharon background would be able to handle some of the scenes described in the book, but it fascinates me nonetheless. Reincarnation plays a big part in the main character's life, and it makes you wonder about your own past lives. Are we unhappy now because we did something wicked in the past? Are we upper middle class Americans because we paid our dues earlier? I always thought reincarnation was invented by the Hindu kings as a way to keep the masses in check. The Buddhist way of looking at things, however, is a bit less clinical. It helps you come to terms with your the things you cannot change and motivates you to improve the things you can.

10/20: yogurt with granola, turkey burger, a HUGE salad, baked fish, hot chocolate / 1.5 hours of card, some abs

Thursday, October 20, 2005

not much to report

as the title implies, wednesday was pretty tame. checked out and wrapped things up at the convention, headed to the airport. they overbooked my flight and were looking for people to take the red eye in from LV, and if i had a tad more energy i would have taken the $400 voucher and stayed, but i just couldn't. so i didn't. the flight was uneventful - read the whole way and then met the driver for the long ride back from JFK. got in bed and was about to go to sleep but then kept thinking about the book (i had like 30 pages left), so i got up and read that, putting my bed time at 2am. VERY late for this old lady.

the super got me up an hour after my alarm woke me up. i was not pleased, but if he didnt, i would have stayed in bed all day. i still want to go back.

two more days til ann arbor!

10/19: latte, half and apple, soup, salad, breadsticks (oh yeah, the olive garden), pizza from airport CPK / no exercise, yet again.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


and i had thought i was fine. sigh.

tuesday was a repeat of monday, author meetings and booth. boring. but then the girls (me, the marketing manager and the marketing assistant) went to dinner at the same place we ate on Sunday.

I was starving. I had eating an early, light lunch and by the time we got there, all of us were ravenous. so i got french fries instead of a salad, and they tasted fantastic. and it was fine. and i was happy.

but then i got home and the guilt settled in. josh picked up on my mood change on the phone and i got defensive. we ended the conversation and i broke out into sobs and couldn't stop. B imed me and I got up to see what she said and saw my reflection and started crying all over again. she talked me down, i drank water. i called josh, we talked some more. i drank more water.

i just want this to stop. eating fries is not bad. wanting to throw them up is.

10/18: yogurt, some gourmet veggie pizza, half a turkey burger, fries, some cobbler, half a beer / too tired to run. again.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

two more days

i thought yesterday was tuesday. today is tuesday. which means i go home tom. not today. dammit! two more days of fending off slimy professors and being on my feet all day. well, when i get home, two more days of work and then MICHIGAN! i'll just look forward to that...

yesterday was nothing special: booth, focus group (which went well), booth, some down time in the hotel, fancy dinner with ryan, emily and an author (who was very nice - one of my favorite's so far, v. paul newman). was too exhausted to make it to the gym, so this will have to be one of my off days.

10/17: latte, OJ, turkey sandwich, salad, salmon with cream sauce and potatos, coffee / no exercise

Monday, October 17, 2005

getting better

hello all,

yesterday was pretty uneventful. met with an author (older gentleman, did not stop TALKING...). he had a bit of a hearing problem, so several times I found myself leaning in so he could hear me. realized after lean #4 that i was.. umm.. not wearing an apporpirate shirt for such a stance and was quite embarressed.

then helpd set up our booth, napped, and then smoozed with professors later that night. went out to dinner with boss and marketing manager, which was not as bad as i thought it would be. i am not a fan of small work social outings, too much pressure. but we were all so tired that everyone was just really comfortable, which was nice.

i am also doing MUCH better after the horror that was last week. what started as putting a little coverup on to hide my eye luggage ended up in my sobbing to my mother about how the sight of my own body makes me want to throw up and i never wanted to eat again.

it was the lowest i had ever been.

i was becoming more and more uhappy with myself. what i looked like, my face, my body, everything. thursday was the begining of the end when i couldn't eat and friday was the end, when i fell during step class and badly twisted my ankle. i felt like a failure at everything, health, life, work, step class, even things i was actually good at. i held back tears on the walk home from the gym and lost control as soon as I got home. luckily my mom decided to spend the night on her way back home, and she held me while i cried hysterically about the my drawn face and huge arms and fat rolls and monsterous thighs. i could see her heart was breaking but i just couldn't stop. i cried to josh, heard his heart break over the phone, but i still couldn't stop. even though i knew in my head that this was insanity, everytime i looked down at my body, new waves of sobs crashed. i felt like lady mcbeth, no matter what i did, my body would still be the way it is. I could tear at it all i wanted, nothing would ever change.

after hours of this on friday, i calmed down, ate, and showered. the next afternoon I was patient to someone for whom I usually play therapist, and even though the feelings were still there, the smart part of me was beginning to take over. i force fed myself leftovers before I got on the plane and decided that i just need to snap put of it.

finally, four days later, i am returning back to normal. maybe i am not meant to be thin again. i just have to come to terms with the fact that this is me. this is my face and this is my body and starving myself or hating myself is not going to change that.

i didn't want to write anything about this until i felt better, but when i woke up this morning and smiled at my reflection for the first time in a long time, i realized that whatever happened to me last week was ending. i still feel the tears well up when i think about it too hard. but then, dwelling on my faults will do nothing. i do feel stupid knowing that i could let feelings like that could take over my better judgement, and i am afraid that it will happen again. and again. no matter how hard i try to cover it up with make up and bouts of confidence, my self esteem has plumetted. it scares me to think that it is based on what i see in the mirror and not what i do in my life.

josh has been so wonderful through all this. i am amazing at how someone like him could love someone as crazy as me. 4 more days until i can see him again. i wish he were hear right now.

10/16: some pasta and salad, turkey burger and half pint of beer / 2 mile run, weights, abs

Sunday, October 16, 2005

the lake was a LOT bigger than I thought it would be....

Nitty gritty for now, more to come later..

10/14 - egg white omelet, two rolls of sushi and soup, half a chicken parm sub and half a salad / 15 minutes of step class. i sat for the other 45 minutes with my twisted ankle elevated and holding back tears of humiliation and self loathing

10/15 - cereal, second half of sub (sans bread, it was gross), yogurt, chicken Caesar salad, air plane crackers, milk and two oreos / NO exercise bc I suck and have a twisted ankle

looking forward to my first good hair day in weeks. Yah to Utah and boo to weeks of rain in the NE!

Friday, October 14, 2005

more rain?

Point taken from both H and B about censoring. You are both right, even though I only gave it out to a few people, this IS the internet. I will bitch and moan to you all one on one (lucky you).

Soup was vetoed and Starbucks was the venue of choice last night. We found one that is one block away from our trains so that works out well. We had a nice long chat about many things, how I found boxer briefs in my laundry's being one of them. Ew.

I also started (re)panicking about wedding weightloss, and in turn didn't eat much yesterday, which sparked a long conversation with Josh about what I should be eating and what will happen if I go with the mentality that I have to simply cut back on everything. So this morning I had an egg white omelet. I don't want to loose weight on my face as I am prone to do, and it is going in that direction.

Tonight my mom comes in for the night (and I get my iPod back! - left it at home last weekend) and then it is off to Salt Lake City until late Wednesday night! Five days at a conference; I don't think I have enough to wear. I should check the weather...

10/13: yogurt with granola, shrimp, cookie, latte / 40 minutes cardio, abs

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Rainy day blues

So right now it looks like my audience is the Tex-ass Crew (minus Emily). I might want to keep it that way, not sure yet. I am hesitant to invite Josh, since I am sure some mother in law venting will occur closer to the wedding... Any thoughts?

So yesterday didn't start off too well. The sound of rain chained me to my bed and it was 9 before I got up. I justified my lateness with the fact that I stayed at work til 7 the night before. (Even though an hour of that was catching up with Mr. Pane... ah well). I pulled out the heavy duty coat with the hood, but the bottom two inches of my skirt and my Mary Janes were completely waterlogged. And my butt got all wet because my bag soaked through. But when I got to work I saw I wasn't the only one, and felt better. And we were all dry in an hour. Huzzah.

Sculpt class kicked my ass, but in a good way, so I am little sore this morning. I liked the instructor though, so if I do end up getting a trainer, I might want her.

Get to see Becca tonight, very excited about that:) Although I am NOT excited about Manhattan in this monsoon. My no umbrella policy might not be too wise today... We are going to the infamous Le Bonne Soup - I will try my best not to eat off of her plate:)

10/12 - soup, roll, annie's wheat mac and cheese, cheddar and crackers / sculpt class

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A work in progress

Ok. I did it. It is still not as nice as I want it to be, but a little programming elbow grease and I should be good to go. I need to add some pictures...

But here is it! I hope it brings you as much entertainment and pleasure as yours have brought me.



See! I can do it too! Now you all can complain about how I don't update:) Ok this is just the test; I want to see what it looks like...